{inspiration: remember to laugh often}

New Office Policy

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci

bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and

therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your

money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and

therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to

be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of

sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They

are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There

is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At

the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet

paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a

picture will be taken. After your second offense, your

picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under

the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in

the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

 Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to

eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a

balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all

the time needed to drink a S lim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our

company. We are here to provide a positive employment

experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,

complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,

insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,

consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management